Insecurities

I don't know what it is about being a new mom.  I suddenly reverted back to my 'weak' self.  All the demons that I had dealt with before came back.  Needing to belong, wanting to please others, never thinking I'm good enough... all of those things.  Being placed in these brand new situations, I lost track of my identity.

For instance, I'm part of all these Mommy Groups.  There's one for after Mama Bootcamp, another from my prenatal class and various others from baby related classes I find myself in.  I generally get along with most people and I guess I assumed that getting along with these individuals would be no different.  It took me a while to figure out what was up since I was struggling with 'fitting in' and I beat myself up for feeling like I was in the periphery of the group. By not knowing where I fit in, it was like beginning a new high school or moving to a new city in another country all over again.

There is the mom that gripes about how stupid another mom is for feeding bananas, "doesn't she know it's a high glycemic index food???".  Um no I didn't know and I guess should keep my mouth shut about feeding my baby banana all the time cause maybe I shouldn't be and I'm the only one who doesn't know it.  Or just feeling like I have nothing interesting to talk about.  I mean I thought I was an interesting person before I had a baby but now I'm just blah!  Sometimes I feel as though I should think of something interesting to say before I go to these mommy groups.  Really, I don't have anything devastating or sensational to share with all of you.

But wait a minute, why should I give a shit about what you think.  Why should I have to sit there and pretend like I agree or challenge you for that matter?  Why do I subject myself to this inner scrutiny?

ok i'll leave it there for now.  I'll reflect about it some more because I'm still attending these groups...

ME!

I love the idea of a blog and was always too shy to actually create one.  So here it goes...

I just had a little baby, she's 8 months now and many new moms start a new blog to write about their new experience. My reason for creating my blog is quite the opposite, I want to write about me!

Recently, a friend quite innocently discouraged me from reading Eat, Pray, Love because she didn't think I would have anything to relate to the author.  It's because I'm happily married and a mom now she said.  I guess life is over after these things happen?

The appealing thing about a blog is that I get to send my thoughts out there, somewhere, don't know where.  I would think that blogging is a great outlet to mull things over, seek answers and bitch about life.

So I'm not going to send this blog address to all my contacts... not yet anyway.  I like the anonymity of my blog right now.  My partner Mike likes to keep cyber talk separate from real life.  He hates it when a mutual friend will send a funny picture and then i bring it up in "real" life...  "Make your comments about it online, through email," he argues.    It's kinda a cool idea...