Insecurities

I don't know what it is about being a new mom.  I suddenly reverted back to my 'weak' self.  All the demons that I had dealt with before came back.  Needing to belong, wanting to please others, never thinking I'm good enough... all of those things.  Being placed in these brand new situations, I lost track of my identity.

For instance, I'm part of all these Mommy Groups.  There's one for after Mama Bootcamp, another from my prenatal class and various others from baby related classes I find myself in.  I generally get along with most people and I guess I assumed that getting along with these individuals would be no different.  It took me a while to figure out what was up since I was struggling with 'fitting in' and I beat myself up for feeling like I was in the periphery of the group. By not knowing where I fit in, it was like beginning a new high school or moving to a new city in another country all over again.

There is the mom that gripes about how stupid another mom is for feeding bananas, "doesn't she know it's a high glycemic index food???".  Um no I didn't know and I guess should keep my mouth shut about feeding my baby banana all the time cause maybe I shouldn't be and I'm the only one who doesn't know it.  Or just feeling like I have nothing interesting to talk about.  I mean I thought I was an interesting person before I had a baby but now I'm just blah!  Sometimes I feel as though I should think of something interesting to say before I go to these mommy groups.  Really, I don't have anything devastating or sensational to share with all of you.

But wait a minute, why should I give a shit about what you think.  Why should I have to sit there and pretend like I agree or challenge you for that matter?  Why do I subject myself to this inner scrutiny?

ok i'll leave it there for now.  I'll reflect about it some more because I'm still attending these groups...